i feel this absence from my blog and online writing space more this time than any others because, ironically, i’ve been doing a lot more writing — on my book, for others, online — just not for my people here or my newsletter. That’s because i see these spaces as scared. Unlike the spaces i write for online and in print, my blog and newsletter are all my own. And because they are my homes, the things that keep me centered, i don’t want to share things just for the sake of staying relevant. That’s not me. i want to write and share things because they mean something to you (and to me).
In our time apart, i’ve been morphing into . . . well, something else. What this ‘else’ is has yet to show itself. And this uncertainty of who i’m becoming has made writing for my personal spaces harder than it has ever been.
i knew that before i even tried to take a stab at writing for you again, i had to make peace with one of my biggest fears: sharing from the space of trying to become vs. sharing from the space of “I have already arrived.” But no one, not even my biggest heroes, mentors, or favorite movie characters ever begin their stories as ‘already ares.’
One of my favorite movies, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, doesn’t start with the main character’s story, Hedwig, at the end of their journey walking down the street aka the point in which they fully understand who they are. No, it shows them in the process of becoming who they are meant to be. The entire movie is about their struggle of self-acceptance as is. (i use plural pronouns because Hedwig’s gender is non-binary.)
Or take Harry Potter. We don’t get introduced to Potter as the lightening bolt scarred adult slayer of the world’s most powerful and evil wizard — that would be an entirely different story and one i’m not sure audiences across the world would have responded as feverishly to. Instead, we meet Harry at his birth and journey alongside him as he faces his demons and opens (and closes) seven chapters in order to fulfill his destiny and slay Lord Voldemort.
But we, as humans, are not characters in movies. And revealing oneself in the process of becoming vs. when one has become is hard. And showing our processes, our leading up to, is something that society has told us isn’t really of value. What is valued is the result of the journey, not the journey itself. We see the stars once they’ve made it and hit it big. They appear to be overnight successes but what we don’t see (until after they’re celebrities and the world cares enough about them that TV networks can make some cash off their backstories) are the countless hours and years of rejection, hopelessness, give-ups, blood, sweat, and fits it took to get to that point.
We don’t get to see them be brave in the face of the world telling them “You can’t do that.”
And so we believe they are just ‘special’ or lucky. Maybe even born with a certain extra special something that we, as common folk, are not privy to. And i no longer want to operate on society’s value system of arrival as god. i want to pull back the curtain to reveal all the fuck-ups, shitstorms, and grace (yes there is always some form of grace) in the journey of becoming . . . in my journey to become the ‘else’ i’m on the verge of being.
i want to show you my brave.
i think i’ve been afraid to show my brave before now because i’ve lived in fear that if i revealed my imperfections (read: that i’m human) to the world that it would somehow lessen my ability to be of service, to change the world. To make an impact. To lead. That somehow by seeing that i’m not perfect and i don’t have all my shit together AT ALL you’d think less of me.
My heart has always known that that was not true. But my head kept me from hearing it.
And in my absence from my personal writing spaces, i have found my brave.
Now, i’m ready to help show you yours.
Here’s to amazing new directions and horizons. May we not always see clearly where and when we need to go.
Mucho love, light, and brazenness your way
P.S. If you’re wondering what newsletter i’m talking about, you can see (and sign up here) for free. You can also take a peek at my latest newsletter love note here.
P.P.S. The whole time i was writing this i had this song in my head :).