“You need to update your blog more.”
Those were the same words i had been internally muttering to myself weeks before. But sitting at the bar on a Saturday night watching my partner work her cocktail magic behind the bar, it felt more like a gentle reminder from the universe than the kind of self-beratement i was slinging in my head.
i told him i had been super busy with my magazine (i have been) . . .
But what i didn’t tell him was that i had written SOOOOOOO MANY blog posts (7 to be exact) since the last one i published on July 22nd, yet they’re all still sitting in my “Drafts” box . . .
Why?
Honestly? i really don’t know.
But then again, maybe i do.
It’s that little shithead that pops up at every major turning point in our lives – fear.
Fuck fear.
Easier said than (sometimes) done.
i obviously let the bastard win because it’s been over a month since i last posted. i’ve never let my fears of pushing send overcome my will to act, but i have, i am. And the universe, via my very creative friend, finally called me out.
So why am i letting fear win now?
Because for the first time since i made my original leap of faith into the drag world, i’m scared. i’m scared because i’ve worked so long and hard for you to see and accept me as a bonafide drag artist and a force to be reckoned with in the drag world that i’m afraid letting you see me as anything else – a creative, writer, dreamer, visionary, or any of the other numerous facets of who i am – would somehow dilute all the hard work i’ve done or the progress i’ve made.
Total bullshit, i know. But it still feels real.
And for those few seconds, moments or in this case 30 days, it is real. It’s real because i made it real. It’s real because i let it stop me from doing what i love – expressing myself.
Not today satan!
Today i opened up my computer and decided to share my fears with you. Because it’s important for you to know and for me to remember that it’s okay to succumb to fear and even live in it – for a moment.
What really matters isn’t the perfection of fearlessness, but how quickly you return to you and i to me.
How quickly do you bounce back into you?
i was scared of hitting submit on the latest issue of GAG. But i did it.
i was scared to say yes to my first performance back from my hiatus because – god forbid – i show up a little rusty!! But i said yes anyway.
And i’m still very much afraid of sharing the many sides of who i am with you in fear that you’ll somehow see me as less of a drag artist, but i’m going to do it anyway. So here goes.
i want to publish people’s ideas – as well as my own.
i want to be creative as well as give back creatively.
i want to perform and be writer.
i want to be both/and instead of either/or.
i want to give myself permission to evolve – publicly.
Because that’s what i’m doing – evolving into a better person, better partner, better friend, better artist.
This is me feeling the fear for 30 days and returning to the root of who i am and have been – a feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway kinda gal.
What do you need to return to in order to be who you’re meant/dream of becoming?
Do it now.
Allow yourself to feel the fear or whatever else you need to and then come home to you.
Because at the end it’s not the fear that stops you, it’s you.
Get out of your own way.
Love, light, and kicking fear’s ass,
